I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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