Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
