I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
