wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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