my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I want her autograph on my taint
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
