I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
