Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
