Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
