my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
