smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize