I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
