Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
