i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the condom got lost in my hair
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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