just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize