I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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