Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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