Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
