I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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