it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
