Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
