I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
