You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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