I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
