There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
