I have demons in me.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
