Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize