she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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