how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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