in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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