How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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