the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
