Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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