what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
