either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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