I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize