I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You have to summon your inner elephant
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
