I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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