Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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