I must be too annoying 4 u.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
