I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
