Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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