two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize