um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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