Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
