I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
