well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
