One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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