Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
