apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
