God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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