this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
