Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
