positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
