I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
