he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
