at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
