did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
