Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
