i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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