i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She even gives head with a lisp.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
