So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
