She announced her abortion via fbk
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
