im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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