Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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