I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
P.S. I can't hear my feet
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
