I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
