He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
