my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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