You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
