she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
